Wizard of Odds
by familyguyfan
Summary: After being whisked away into the land of Odds, Stewie and Brian must find their way home to Quahog with the help of Peter the Scarecrow, Carter the Tin Man, and Quagmire as the Cowardly Lion!
1. The Beginning

It was a blustery day in Quahog. The Griffins were watching the channel 5 news. "This just in, there's going to be a tornado in Quahog! All citizens are advised to stay indoors at this time." Tom Tucker announced. "Oh my God! Peter we have to build a shelter!" Lois yelled. Peter pulled out a hammer and some wood and said, "I'm way a head of you Lois. I have already designed a mechanism in the back yard. I call it, the Panic Room." Brian gave Peter a blank stare and asked, "What's the point of having a Panic Room if you already made tons of Panic Rooms in the past?" Peter huffed and said "This time the Panic Room will be better. I know I'm right! Like that time I invented the Sham Wow."

A flashback appeared.

Peter pulled out a sponge and put it into a bowl of water. He then pulled out the sponge and scrubbed the table in front of him and said towards the camera, "Wow! It really works!"

Then the flashback faded.

It was getting cloudy and the tornado was a few hours away from coming towards the Griffin house. Herbert peeked over the fence and said to Chris, "Hey there muscle arms. Do you mind coming over to my place for a nice glass of lemonade." Chris pulled down his sleeves and told Herbert, "Well I'm not that strong." Herbert gave a childish laugh and said sheepishly, "Nah. That's not true."

Stewie and Brian were a few feet away from the so-called "Panic Room" and asked Brian, "Do you think we're not a lone in this universe?" Brian put down his novel he wrote himself and replied, "I'm sure that we are the only living things on this planet. Why do you ask?" Stewie pointed at the rainbow that was over the Griffin's house and said, "I'm sure that rainbow goes somewhere magical. I just know it." Brian took a sip from the beer can near him and asked Stewie, "Are you high?"

"God no!" Stewie said disturbed.

20 minutes passed. Herbert leaned over the fence near the Griffin's and kept poking at Chris. "Herbert!" Joe yelled as he rolled up to Herbert. "Are you a pedophile?" he asked. Herbert faced Joe and said, "Who me? I'd do no such thing."

Peter walked over to Herbert and said, "I have no idea what's going on here but you better leave Chris alone!" Herbert chuckled and said villainously, "And if I don't?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Well you got me there." Peter said dumbfounded.

"Peter, I think Herbert here is a pedophile." Joe said.

Herbert made his escape from the scene and tackled Chris and dragged him to the sidewalk. "Come with me Chris! We'll go over to my place and I'll make you a nice plate of cookies! What do you say about that?"

Joe tripped Herbert and cuffed him. "Not this time buster! You're under arrest!" Herbert struggled to escape and said to the Griffin's, "I'll get you my pretties, and your little dog too." Herbert laughed villainously. The tornado came and Joe rushed quickly into the Panic Room Peter built. "Hurry kids!" Lois yelled. Brian ran to the Panic Room Peter built and asked Lois, "Wait a second, where's Meg?"

"I'm in here!" Meg yelled from the Panic Room.

"Where's Stewie?" Lois asked.

Brian rushed inside the house and yelled alarmed, "Stewie! Where are you?" Stewie walked towards Brian and said, "God damn it dog keep it down. I don't know what the devil is going on but it's getting annoying. My God! Really!"

"This is no time for your monologues! There's a tornado coming towards our house and we need to get to the Panic Room." Brian said.

The tornado already hit the house and Stewie looked outside the window and noticed it was too late to leave the house. "My God this is amazing!" he said astonished. Herbert was riding a bicycle laughing in a villainously. A moment later things were quiet. Brian and Stewie walked outside the house and they both gasped. "It looks like we're not in Quahog anymore." Stewie said.

"Where are we?" Brian asked.

"Well according to the scenery, it looks like we might be high or something." Stewie said unsure.

"Look at this!" Brian told Stewie from the other side of the house. Stewie walked towards Brian and saw that the house landed on someone. "It looks like we landed on the Evil Monkey." Stewie said as he looked at the feet.

"Who's that?" Brian asked.

"Oh you haven't heard?" Stewie asked. "I thought that you knew about the evil monkey."

"Hey watch it buddy!" a munchkin yelled.

Brian and Stewie looked down at the munchkin and Brian asked, "Verne Troyer? What are you doing here?"

The tiny man pointed his finger at Brian and said, "You killed the Wicked Witch of the South!" Brian and Stewie gave each other confusing looks and Stewie asked Verne, "That was the Wicked Witch of the South? Dear Lord I hope you could cut us some slack."

Verne stood on Brian's shoulder and told Stewie, "You want me to cut you some slack? I'll show you some slack." Other munchkins came out from their hiding places and sung a little song.

Munchkins: **Ding-dong the witch is dead!**

** The wicked old witch!**

** The wicked old witch!**

** Ding-dong the witch is dead!**

** Holy crap we're screwed!**

Diane Sawyer appeared magically and said, "Congratulations! You have killed the Wicked Witch of the South. I'm Diane Sawyer, the Good Witch of the North!" Stewie and Brian bowed down to Diane and said, "We respect you Good Witch of the North."

"What's the meaning of coming here?" Diane asked as Stewie and Brian stood up.

"We're here to explore this wonderful world of…where the devil are we?" Stewie said after loosing his train of thought.

"Welcome to the Land of Odds!" Diane said.

"The Land of Odds?" Brian asked. "If you ask me this sounds like the twisted world of Oz." Stewie scoffed and said, "I just hope to God no dreadful person is making a parody of the Wizard of Oz I mean really! What a ridiculous thing to do!"

"If you have any wishes that need to be granted, feel free to see the Wizard of Odds in Ruby city!" Diane said as she pointed her wand to the golden trail. Red ruby slippers appeared on Stewie and Brian's feet and Diane said, "Wear these shoes! For your stay in the land of Odds, you'll have to have something to protect your feet. That yellow trail is made of plutonium and anyone without any protective shoes are most likely to have an STD or Swine Flu."

Stewie's eyes sparkled and he asked, "How do we find the Wizard of Odds?"

Diane chuckled and said, "Follow the yellow brick road!"

"Follow the yellow brick road!" the munchkins yelled. Then a jolty tune played and the munchkins began to sing.

Munchkins: **Follow the yellow brick road!**

** Follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road!**

** And remember don't take off your shoes or else you'll have an STD or swine flu!**

Brian and Stewie stepped onto the yellow brick road and skipped along the trail. "We're off to see the Wizard!" Stewie exclaimed with excitement. The munchkins continued to sing.

Munchkins: **We're off to see the Wizard.**

** The wonderful Wizard of Odds.**

** He might be right!**

** He might be wrong!**

** But don't you worry!**

** Just sing this song!**

** And follow the yellow brick road!**

** Follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road!**


	2. The Scarecrow and the Tin Man

Stewie and Brian skipped a long the yellow brick road and saw a Scarecrow that looked like Peter. "My God it's the fat man!" Stewie said as he pointed at the Scarecrow. "Help!" the scarecrow yelped. "Stupid birds! Can't you leave me a lone for at least 2 hours? My God you're more annoying than Kate Goslen when she was a rooster."

On the other side of the yellow brick road there was Kate Goslen's head on a rooster body making a CA CAW noise.

"Shut up!" the scarecrow yelled.

Brian and Stewie pulled the scarecrow down from the pole he was on. When the scarecrow landed on the ground, some hay fell out of his leg. "HEY!" he shouted. "Hay fell out!" There was an awkward silence.

"You're mentally retarded are you?" Stewie asked.

"Retarded? If I was retarded, don't you think that some drunk hillbilly would've crashed into that pole I was on when I least expected it?" the scarecrow asked.

"Uh…" Stewie and Brian said. "Sure."

Nothing happened.

"Case and point." The scarecrow said sure of himself. "What brings you guys here?"

"We're here to visit the Wizard of Odds. He's going to send us home." Brian said.

"But I want world domination!" Stewie whined.

"Wow! You're going to see the Wizard of Odds? Mind if I go with you?" the scarecrow asked. "I'm hoping to get a brain." A tiny little tune began to play and the scarecrow began to sing.

Scarecrow: **I would spend they picking flowers.**

** It would probably take some hours.**

** If only I had a brain.**

** While my head I'd be scratching**

** With all my sperm detaching**

** If only I had a brain**

** I would sit, I would talk**

** Sit around, smoke some pot**

** If only I had a brain!**

Brian: **Oh why? Are you so blind?**

** I believe you do have a mind!**

** You got a soul!**

** I think we should roll!**

** If only you had a brain!**

The song came to an end. Then the music took a different transition and Stewie, Brian, and the scarecrow sung as they skipped along the yellow brick road.

Stewie, Brian, and Scarecrow: **We're off to see the Wizard.**

**The wonderful Wizard of Odds.**

**He might be right!**

**He might be wrong!**

**But don't you worry!**

**Just sing this song!**

**And follow the yellow brick road!**

**Follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road!**

Along the trail the scarecrow noticed a Tin Man holding a riffle in his hand. "Doesn't he look familiar?" Stewie asked. Brian nodded and said, "It looks like Carter Peutershmit." The scarecrow gave Brian a confusing look and said, "Who the hell is that?" Stewie ignored the scarecrow and pulled out his laser gun and fired it at the Tin Man. The tin man awoke and said amazed, "I'm alive! I've been thawed out!"

A tree walked towards the Tin Man and growled, "Damn it! My plan has failed!"

"You froze me?" the tin man asked as he clenched his fist into a ball.

The tree laughed and said, "You're a quick learner." Stewie's stomach growled and asked the tree, "I say, I'm very hungry. Would it be possible for us to have one of your apples?"

The tree laughed and gave an apple to Stewie and said, "Sure! Watch out. It might be…poison."

"I think you're in the wrong story. You're thinking of Snow White." The scarecrow told the tree. The tree paused and said, "I'm sorry. I apologize. The truth is that I never graduated from grad school so I never knew that…well thanks anyways." The tree walked off the path and took a deep sigh.

After the awkward silence, Stewie asked the Tin Man, "So what do you need?" The tin man banged his chest and said, "I don't have a heart. When I was being designed, my creator never gave me a heart. I'm only remaining alive by watch past 'Dancing with the Stars' episodes on my TiVo."

"My God that shows terrible!" Stewie yelled. There was another awkward pause. Stewie sighed and asked the Tin Man, "What would you do if you had a heart?" The tin man put his arm around Brian and said, "I'll tell you!" Music began to play.

Tin Man: **When a mans empty kettle.**

** Is only made of metal**

** And yet I'm torn apart.**

** Just because I'm presuming.**

** I might as well be human.**

** If only I had a heart.**

** I'd be tender.**

** I'd be gentle.**

** And awfully sentimental**

** Even though I might kick your ass!**

** And if you try to shoot me,**

** I will declare a mutiny**

** And send you to the authorities.**

The music stopped. Stewie asked the Tin Man, "Would you like to come to Ruby City and ask the Wizard of Odds for a heart?" The tin man smiled. "Of course!" he said excited. He paused then asked, "Is he Jewish?" There was a pause. "Maybe." Brian replied. "I'll do it!" the Tin Man said as he jumped onto his feet. The men grabbed each other's arms and skipped along the trail.

They sung the "We're off to see the Wizard" song once again until they were stopped by a witch that looked like Herbert. "Hello my pretties." He snarled. The scarecrow blushed and said, "I didn't know that I was pretty." The witch sighed and said, "That's not the point! I'm here to stop you!"

The witch took out a fireball and threw it at the scarecrow that got caught on fire. There was a pail of water nearby and the Tin Man threw the water on the scarecrow. He was alive and well. "Damn!" the witch said. "That was fast." The witch disappeared.

"Thank God we're never seeing him again." Stewie said relieved. Brian gave Stewie an awkward look and asked, "Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?" Stewie paused and replied, "No I haven't. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." Brian replied.


	3. Ruby City

The Scarecrow, Tin Man, Brian, and Stewie walked through the dark forest and Brian shivered. "Something doesn't look right about this place." He said. "What do you mean?" the Scarecrow asked. "Everything is fine! I mean except for the mist but still everything is fine." The tin man held the Scarecrow a little bit and said, "I've been through this forest before. I heard that there's lions and tigers and bears!" "OH MY!" Stewie yelled scared. "Gay." Brian taunted. "Shut up!" Stewie said defending himself. "Lions and tigers and bears?" the Scarecrow asked. "OH MY!" Stewie yelled again. There was a rustling in the bushes. "Who goes there?" the Scarecrow asked.

A lion that looked like Quagmire leaped out of the bushes and gave a loud roar. "All right put them up! I'm not scared! Do what you want! I'm ready to fight! If I can take down Mike Tyson I can take anyone down!" he yelled.

The Scarecrow took a step towards the lion and said, "Hey there! We're the good guys."

"Good guys? I've fallen for that trap before!" the lion sneered.

"I'm Scarecrow." The scarecrow introduced him.

"I'm Tin Man. Some call me Joe the Tin Man but I don't think Joe was my fathers name." the Tin Man said.

"I'm Brian and that's Stewie." Brian said as he shook the lion's hand.

The lion sighed with relief and said, "Oh thank God. You know what mess I've been through? I just wrestled a bear 30 yards away and I almost got my arms ripped off."

"I think you need some courage." Brian told the lion.

"Courage?" Stewie asked Brian in confusion. "I think he needs Dr. Phil."

The lion stepped onto the yellow brick road and said, "If you guys are seeing the Wizard I'll go with you!"

The scarecrow hooked onto the lion and said, "All right! Off we go!" The 5 of them didn't sing because their voices were tired from singing and instead skipped along the yellow brick road.

Meanwhile in the Wicked Witch of the East's evil lair, he held a crystal ball in his hands as he watched the 5 men skip along the yellow brick road. "I need to get those slippers somehow." He pondered. "Once I get those slippers, I can finally take over Odds!" He did an evil laugh. "But what is his weakness?" he asked. An idea popped into his head. The witch snarled and did another evil laugh.

It was mid-day in the land of Odds and Stewie became very tired. "We're almost there." Brian said. "The sooner we get out of here the sooner we get home." There was a sign a head that read "Field of Dead Lois" Yes in order to get to Ruby City, you had to go through the field of Dead Lois. "My dreams finally came true!" Stewie said astonished. He skipped to the field of Dead Lois and then fainted. The Wicked Witch of the East appeared and said, "My plan has worked!"

"You little bastard!" the scarecrow yelled. "It was you who cast a spell on Stewie!" The lion stepped in front of the scarecrow and said, "Let me handle this. I'm going to be tough." There was an awkward pause. "I thought you were scared." The Tin Man asked.

The Wicked Witch of the East cackled and said, "I'm up for a fight."

The Lion growled and said, "You might know all of our weakness but we might know yours. I'll have to look it up on Wikapedia later but be warned! We'll get you back."

The Wicked Witch of the East disappeared. It took a while to find the cure to get Stewie out of the spell. Brian had an idea and said, "Let's just cross this field and when we get to Ruby City I'll get him out of the spell." As they walked through the field of Dead Lois, the scarecrow was being careful on where he was stepping. Once everyone made it through the field Brian shook Stewie and said, "Hey Stewie, Hanna Montana's on." Stewie woke up and yelled, "DEAD LOIS!" There was an awkward pause.

"How the hell did I get here?" Stewie asked. "I carried you." Brian said. Stewie laughed and said, "Queer." The guard looked down from the tower and asked, "Who goes there?" Brian looked up at the guard and said, "We're here to see the Wizard of Odds!" The guard scoffed and said, "There's no way I'm letting you in to see the Wizard. He is currently on a lunch break."

"Who the devil takes a lunch break at this time of hour?" Stewie asked. "Do you question the wonderful Wizard of Odds?" the guard asked. "No sir." Stewie replied. "Very good." The guard said. "I'm Brian and this is Stewie. We bought some friends who need to see the Wizard." Brian explained.

"You want to see the Wizard of Odds?" the guard asked. "Come in!"

The Ruby gates opened and everyone walked inside.


	4. Off to see the Wizard

Stewie, Brian, the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion walked into the Wizards throne room. "I'm too scared. Maybe we should turn around. The Real Housewives of the Land of Odds is on!" Stewie glared at the Lion and said, "You watch that piece of crap? And I thought I was retarded." The Scarecrow comforted the Lion and said, "Let's just see the Wizard of Odds and see what happens." There was an echoing noise from the room. "Come in!" the powerful voice said. "I don't bite!"

The Wizard was huge! Smoke appeared on the sides of the big face of the wizard. "What brings you here today?" he asked as smoke covered most of his face.

Brian and Stewie stepped forward. Brian cleared his throat and said, "I'm Brian and this is Stewie. We're hoping to go home!" The Wizard nodded and said, "Home. I used to have a home. Some Christians burned down my home. Damn them all. Step back." Brian and Stewie stepped back.

The scarecrow stepped forward and said, "Mr. Wizard, I was hoping for a brain." The Wizard snarled and yelled, "IF IT'S A BRAIN YOU WANT YOU HAS TO EARN IT!" Powerful smoke once again covered his face. The Scarecrow stumbled back with the others.

The Tin Man shook as he walked towards the wizard. He stopped. "Mr. Wizard, I was minding my own business and I was hoping you'd give me a heart." The flames soared near the Wizard. "I used to have a heart. I gave it to Lady Gaga and God she's sexy. Damn her to hell." There was an explosion of lightning that appeared over the Wizard. The Tin Man yelped and joined the others.

The Lion shook and said, "Mr. Wizard. I was wondering…" He paused. "Go on." The Wizard said. The Lion cleared his throat and started over. "I was wondering if you could…" He paused again. "WHAT IS IT?" the Wizard yelled. "He wants courage!" Stewie yelled. "Courage?" the Wizard asked.

"Yes sir." The lion whimpered.

The Lion joined the others.

The Wizard sighed and said, "In order for me to help you, I'm assigning you a dangerous task. You must get the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West." Everyone gasped.

"Oh no!" The scarecrow yelled.

"Oh no!" the Tin Man yelled.

"Oh no!" the Lion yelled.

"Oh no!" Brian and Stewie yelled.

"Oh yeah!" the Kool Aid guy yelled as he crashed through the wall. "My wall!" the Wizard yelled. The Kool Aid guy gasped and ran away.

The Lion shivered and said, "Come on guys. Let's get out of here. We'll try Oprah. She knows what to do."

"Not so fast." Brian said. "I've seen this movie before. We need a bucket of water and pour it on the witch!" Stewie rolled his eyes and said, "You bastard! You're crazy." The Tin Man smiled and said, "Lets do this!"

Once outside of the Wizards palace, they began to look for the Wicked Witch of the West. Meanwhile in his lair, he snickered. He walked over to some cages and said, "Listen up cast of The View I want those red slippers!" The View cast glanced at each other. "Hell no!" they shouted together.

The Wicked Witch of the West walked to the next cage. It was Jack Bauer from the show 24. "Okay Mr. Bauer. Get those ruby slippers." The Wicked Witch demanded. "It'll be an honor." Jack Bauer said.

Meanwhile as the gang was in the forest something didn't seem right. "Where could he be?" the Scarecrow pondered. The Lion shook and said, "Maybe I'll just stay here and you guys go without me." Stewie rolled his eyes and said, "You really need to get laid big time!"

Jack Bauer appeared from the bushes and pulled out his gun. "Jack Bauer? What are you doing here?" Brian asked.

"My name is Jack Bauer, former FBI agent from a crappy series by the name of 24. You sent hate mail to FOX every month saying how much you hate the show and how pointless I am because I stay up all night protecting America. Prepare to die." Jack said.

Stewie fired his laser gun at Jack Bauer and he died. The Wicked Witch of the West appeared and cackled evilly. "You have defeated my bodyguard! But if you want my broom stick you'll have to go through me!"

"What do we do?" the scarecrow asked.

Brian bent down on all four legs and peed on the witch.

"What the hell is that smell?" the witch asked as he started to melt. "NOOO! I'M MELTING!" All of a sudden there was a big puddle of the witch.


	5. No Place Like Home

**Authors Note:** Please excuse my absence during this story. I know you guys are hooked on it like you are with any Twilight movie but please understand I have had some work to do. Plus I needed to re-watch the Wizard of Oz so I could get some more ideas of what to put into this story. This is the final chapter so you might wanna grab a snack and savor this final chapter. Enjoy!

Everyone gathered around the melted witch. "That damn witch is dead!" Stewie said excited. The scarecrow gave Stewie a disgusted look and asked, "You're proud of what you did? Do you like killing people?"

"You moron, he saved our lives." The Tin Man said as he grabbed the scarecrow.

The scarecrow rolled his eyes and said, "Okay Mr. Bossy Pants!"

Brian took the witches broom and said, "Come on guys, lets go to Ruby City and get home." Everyone nodded and ran as fast as they could to Ruby City. Once there the guard snickered at them.

"What do you want?" the guard asked.

"We need to see the Wizard of Odds!" Brian explained.

The guard rolled his eyes, "Again? Look he's not a genie."

"We killed the Witch!" the Lion said. The guard was surprised and opened the gate to the Wizards kingdom. Once inside, the Wizard hollered, "STOP THERE! Have you killed the Wicked Witch?"

"Yes sir!" the Lion said impressed.

Brian sniffed around and opened the green curtain and saw a normal civilian pressing buttons and speaking into a microphone. The Wizard faced everyone and said, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."

Stewie was confused and asked, "What the bloody hell was that? Is this some kind of gag? Why is Mort here?"

The Wizard did look like Mort. The Wizard sneezed into his sleeve and looked through his pockets.

"You're the Wizard?" the Tin Man asked.

The Wizard nodded and said, "Well you did bring back the broom and killed the witch. You did your part and I should do my half of the deal. I shall grant each of you a wish."

The Wizard walked up to the Scarecrow and said, "You said you wanted a brain."

The scarecrow rolled his eyes and said, "Psh yeah like 2 hours ago! Now I want a Hustler magazine and…"

"Too late." The Wizard said. "Truth be told, you already had a brain all along."

"I did?" the scarecrow asked.

The Wizard nodded and said to the Tin Man, "You're the one with a need for a heart."

The Tin Man nodded. "Yes sir." He said.

The Wizard dug through his pockets and pulled out a heart. "This is your heart. I understand that during your journey you had a kind heart. This symbol represents your compassion for your friends." The Scarecrow was startled and yelled, "You filthy pervert!"

"Shut up!" the Tin Man yelled. He sighed then hugged the scarecrow.

The lion shook in his footsteps. The Wizard pulled out a medal that had Courage written on it and placed it on the lion. "You wanted courage! Turns out you had courage all along."

The lion sobbed up and said, "I knew it! I just didn't believe." The Wizard smiled and faced Stewie and Brian.

"You wanted to go home. Am I correct?" the Wizard asked.

"Damn it no! I want to take over the world!" Stewie hollered.

"Shut up Stewie. We're going home." Brian said.

Stewie crossed his arms. "It's always about what you want! Like that time I had to take care of you when Lois and Peter were out of the house."

A flashback appeared. Brian walked up to Stewie and said, "I'm hungry. Get me my food."

"Why do I need to get you food? You're a dog. Get it yourself." Stewie said with a stern look on.

"Well all I saw was kibble in my dog bowl. Not sure what that means." Brian replied.

"You're a dog. That's what you eat. Be normal for Gods sake!" Stewie yelled.

The flashback faded.

"If you would like to go home, just click your heels 3 times and say 'There's no place like home.'" The Wizard explained.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Brian said. Stewie barged in and sung, "There's no place like home for the holidays!" Brian got frustrated and said, "There's no place like home."

Suddenly Brian and Stewie appeared in Peter's Panic Room. "What happened?" Brian asked.

"You were passed out!" Lois sobbed as she held Brian. Brian wagged his tail rapid and said, "It feels good to be home."

END


End file.
